So studlicious, so hot, so bound to die….
Those firm, muscular bodies desecrated and torn asunder… The panic coursing from their eyes as they bleed out, staring sightlessly. The inhumanity of it…
To celebrate all things eldritch and awful, here are five scenes from an assortment of schlocky horror films that hover lovingly over flayed manflesh. Let’s watch these handsome, well-intentioned men get their guts handed to them as they’re painted over in their own blood. Because that’s life. That’s reality. And this is Halloween weekend, bitch.
Let’s take a look. Shall we, kiddies?
The followup to the far-superior Creepshow anthology film is memorable mainly for Paul Satterfield spending the entire “The Raft” installment in a yellow bikini before being tortured and killed by a lumpen lake creature.
5. Paul Satterfield in Creepshow 2 (1987)
4. Eric Balfour in Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Never-not-hot Eric Balfour has an unwitting rendezvous with Leatherface in this scene from the wholly unnecessary Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Though much of his mutilation sadly takes place off-screen, we do get to see his skinned face worn as a mask later on. Balfour or Leatherface: Who wore it best?
3. Robert Rusler in A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)
The second Nightmare is still the best because of its overt (and deliberate) gay subtext. While we certain enjoy the coach’s sadomasochist slice-up, Ron’s flamboyant murder involves him getting skewered in a pair of slinky running (Also, mom doesn’t seem overly worried; more like she wants to get back to Newhart.) At least it didn’t mess up his hair.
2. Russell Todd in Friday the 13th Part II (1981)
With his leading-man good looks, you fully expect Russell Todd to be the last man standing in Friday the 13th Part II. That’s why it’s so thrilling when the machete slips delicately across his throat, and then the rush of spilling blood…
1. David Paetkau in Final Destination 2 (2003)
The second installment of Final Destination is vastly superior to the rest of the series, which tends to be rather pain-by-numbers. The set pieces in FD 2 are far more sadistic and operatic in nature, as you can see by this agonizingly long death scene starring a gratuitously shirtless David Paetkau.
The lesson to be learned? – If you win the lottery, the first think you should do is hire a private chef. And… lay off the carbs. They can be deadly.